November 12, 2019

Fear based communication is so out of my world. I see people using it every day. It is the easiest way, the archaic way, the unkind way to motivate people to take action. We see it in our environment, we see it from our parents, we adopt it and use it also in the way we talk to ourselves. No, no, no, no. I won’t feed that in myself.

The strange thing is that makes me angry. Today I had a conversation with a colleague and the words she used made my body get tense: “We need to get them off of our back”, we need to “tidy things up”. We are talking about a non profit organisation that serves people. What is the function of fear here? We want to serve, we want to create value, we can let them pull us rather than fear push us.

But then I thought about her. It was about her. How she felt. She did not have a bad intention. This was important to her. She feared this will ruin her reputation and credibility. She feared “shame”. She wanted to be loved and valued and she was right. This was not about me at all but about her.

How can I support her that she feels comfortable and that she is respected and keeps her reputation? How can I be kind to her? How can use this instance for kindness to her, to myself and to our members? This is a question I am curious about.

Yesterday I had a beautiful conversation. I had met a wonderful person in ICF Converge who became my role model. She radiated confidence that was coming from the belief that she was okay, we were okay, the world being okay and will continue to be okay. There was a beautiful acceptance. On top she could let herself go and dance like crazy in the party. I wrote to her, shared how i felt and wanted to know her better. And she offered me an online meeting. We talked and it was beautiful.

She shared with me her plans, how accepting herself freed her and she gave me some ideas about what to read. She also quickly noticed my limiting beliefs and suggested a book for that too: Liminal Thinking

I am looking forward to reading the book.

In my life more and more I am choosing people, than things and the people change my reality.

I am loving this.

I am noticing people easily writing stories and suggesting other people these stories by force. On Facebook a woman posted about her strange feeling having to have to pay the mortgage with the husband – the husband not adding her on the mortgage even though she asked, then she asking him if they could sell the car for her master education he saying no. She asked women who have husbands from other countries how they manage these things. The comments poured about how it was all wrong, he could not act like this, that she should just start a discussion and demand her rights, many people commented “This is not a relationship”…. There is a funny way of stories we make, we get attach to them, we forget that they were our creation, we make assumptions from them and keep on choosing examples from life that confirms our assumptions which turns our assumptions into firm beliefs. Now this woman feels uncomfortable and she is about to write a story about her husband. All the comments direct her to a different story. She might choose any of them, mend it into her story and strengthen it. What will it make to the relationship? Not much – it will build a wall between her husband and her.

The kinder approach would be to bring it to the conversation with the husband, to share how she feels and ask for help from the husband. I love how Brene Brown formulates this. Whenever she starts feeling bad about someone with a hypothesis she builds she says “The story I am telling myself right now…. and then tells the hypothesis.” I think it is a wonderful way of communication, to put the story in front of you, rather than between you. You share something vulnerable of yours that your loved one can see, that can deepen your connection. This is a beautiful opportunity.

Let’s see the stories we make and put it in front of us before we wear them on us. And we can help other people to see their stories without adding new ones to them.

About the author 

Isil Uysal Calvelli

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