August 25, 2019

I am writing about Friday on Sunday and already what I did on Friday flew away from my memory. I know one big topic of Friday: Envy.

I realized that I have envy rooted in me. It surfaced on Friday when I read a comment of a friend on the Facebook post of another friend saying “how great she writes”. I felt the tension in my upper arms, in my chest, it was something close to anger actually. I was surprised by my reaction, and disappointed? I guess I was mostly disappointed. I have a moral standard of who I “should” be and when I don’t measure up to those standards I disappoint myself. I am nearly “ashamed” of myself.

From my very fresh meditation practice and the beautiful book “Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames” I know very well that any emotion is welcome and needs the attention and care like the attention and care of the mother. By being with the emotion, mindful walking or breathing we allow the emotion and can see through the emotion. I did not do that there, I did that much later. First I punished myself with thoughts about how strange I was, but I kept it very short. I could release the thoughts and I felt that there was a child that was afraid of losing love, afraid of being the center of attention. I love this child. This child is me. I know that my object of envy, the friend has nothing to do with the feeling, it is just a mirror that showed me my need. I am here my child for you. I am here.

This was the main theme of the day. And Fabio sent me this picture below. I think it fits to the theme. My feeling being the little cat who wants to be the big cat. But actually the little cat has everything of the big cat and he is loved.

About the author 

Isil Uysal Calvelli

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