Thursday I was tired. I am always tired on Thursdays, let me rephrase this I have been always tired on Thursdays (so far). It can be because of stage excitement and meeting lots of people the night before. Sometimes we also go out after the meetings and I drink a beer and eat something which probably also makes my waking up the next morning difficult. But this time as you know I came home, I did not drink or eat but still I woke up tired.
I wanted to pick up some work that I could not do for some time. I caught up with some communication. I thanked a friend for covering up for me when I was on holiday and asked her if she needed help. She said thanks I would do it tonight. I questioned a little her not responding to my thanks but just to the offer of help. I was about to make judgements about it but I stopped myself, I let go of the need to find a meaning or create a story. I know that I created this ambiguity about our relationship. I decided to show her more love and ask more help from her.
Oh and I got the monthly pains. Oh yeah. Every month I had suffered quite some. I decided to welcome whatever comes this month. And I could actually find some relief beneath the pain. I realized I tensed myself because of the fear of the pain which aggravated it. This time I allowed the pain, I explored the pain and I also found silence, stillness and relaxed moments in between the pain. This came with the practice of meditation. Allowing, listening, feeling, observing: Knowing that under dark clouds, there is always shine, knowing that under all the rage, tiredness, hopelessness, sadness, there is being: unlimited, serene, powerful.
Today I also listened to my body about hunger. It was 2 pm when I had lunch and I did not feel like a proper lunch, I bought grapes, cheese and crackers and ate them in the garden of our neighbourhood’s library. The weather was very nice, I enjoyed my food and being outside.
Fabio was going to pick me up and we were going to the shopping mall we went the other day. I sent him a photo of me waiting, he said coming. But as soon as I sent the message I had to rush to the toilet – it is like these on these days. And when I went out, I saw his message with his picture waiting, below I made a collage of these two. How tired I look and how cool he looks!
The beginning of our working time was quite difficult for me as I had a lot of pain. But after a long visit to the toilet I felt better. I sat down and wrote a few messages for social media. I was going to give a webinar tonight and another one on Saturday so I wanted to remind people about it. The most real invitation is when you show your face so I asked Fabio to take my picture, it is the main picture of this post.
We came home much later than I actually planned. I wanted to be home 1 hour before, organize my table, do some meditation and set up the call early. But no, I arrived 14 minutes before the start. I quickly visited the toilet, made myself tea and opened the call 1 minute before scheduled time. Well it is what it is.
Interestingly only 1 person participated who had already signed up with us. I was happy that she was there and we did it together. It was nice getting to know her better and I hope she got a a bit more knowledge and motivation for the future from the webinar. I called that a day.