August 21, 2019

I should say today was the first day I felt the temptation of not to write. It felt difficult. I felt I had nothing to write.

Did that matter? I never said I will write when I have something to write. I said I will write every day. That’s it. BASTA.

I got lazy yesterday and it took me quite sometime to get out of the bed. I fell prey into the urge of checking my phone. I checked my emails, I checked my Facebook feed and I scrolled through my Instagram feed and I watched all the Instagram stories and then I did get up.

I saw a lot of selfies, people posing laughing to the camera, people posing like models. I was a bit irritated. What is that that irritates me in that? I guess I am reading the message “I am better, I am more beautiful”. And this message is a kind of aggression for me, it is a way of putting me to my place. But how do I know? It might be simply people wanting to look good, feel better about themselves, want to be loved and appreciated? What is bad about that? What makes me think about me when I look at these pictures? Can I not be kind and give these people what they might need? Some love, some kindness, some appreciation? That would make them happy and make me happy too.

I got up, and I sat down to write the journal. I was cut off in between by the cats, by Fabio. We had some chat, we watched the cats wrestle. The wrestle ended with Mickey saying Stop, he definitely said something to Robbie and then they stopped. I don’t know what. They are so funny. 

After Fabio left I worked more on my journal. I really enjoyed doing it.  In between I checked the task of the day at The Podcasting Fellowship. It was recording a call on Zoom. I have experience with that actually but I trust the process and I will follow it so I wanted to have a new recording.

I was going to have a call with a friend who wanted to set up her business in Munich. I asked her if I could record the conversation, she said yes. So that was settled.  Great.

In the meantime the time of our webinar approached. I wanted to do some meditation before but I got caught up in messages, then I had to rush to the toilet, I was again in the last minute at my desk for the webinar.

I had problems with my Mac before of managing a Zoom meeting with sharing the screen and managing the chat and the participants at the same time. The main problem is that the cursor does not appear. So I have to move my finger in the pad to understand where my cursor is in the screen (the only way to understand that is to check which button highlights) and then if I need to take an action I have to click on where I think my cursor is. Sometimes it works 99% of the time it doesn’t. So my idea this time was to have two computers. I would share the screen, my video and audio in my Mac and use another computer to manage the chat and the participants.

When I rushed to my desk at 12 when the webinar begins I couldn’t unmute myself because my cursor did not go there in my mac. Elena joined the call from her Camino walk in Spain and was saying “Hellooo, helloo, do you hear me hello?” and I could not respond for a minute or two because of this problem. It was weird but I appreciated myself for staying calm. I managed it in the end. 

We lost a lady during this hello time, she appeared and left. I don’t know if she left for that or she left for another reason – well that’s okay, she decides.

I think the webinar went really well. There were questions and the two participants were really engaged. I did not particularly feel they were interested in our training. As I had the offer part of the presentation I had to read it anyway. You don’t make an offer unless you see that the buyer is ready and positive. But this time I did it. I still think it was elegant and not pushy. It was an invitation. I like to see it that way.

After the webinar I felt tired, went to the living room and just watched some videos on the couch. “Some videos” was not a correct expression. I watched the videos of the YouTube Channel “Die Frage”. The first video was about a YouTuber who got burnout.:

 She was talking about the pressure of having to create content all  the time and not having anyone telling them that’s the right amount of work, you need to stop and so on. It felt to me like she wanted a manager or preferred to have one. In one of the videos she was crying and complaining what a shitty life she had. For many it is a self-determined life. you decide what to work on, you decide how much to work. But she was of course forgetting this when it was all pain all she could see and feel. She said “we create what would be preferred by the algorithm”. “Before we shoot a video the first thing we think is to come up with a good catchy title and a thumbnail picture – because that’s what makes people click.” She said she also checks the stats right after she uploads a video and if it does not get 30K views in the first hours she thinks the video was bad. That – I call – is not self determined living. It is living under the hegemony of social media algorithms.  What about talking about things that you really care, that makes a difference in the lives of others and in the world? What about doing what you like, offering it to the world as a gift and being happy when someone takes your hand to walk with you? That feeling of connection and generosity was not mentioned in this interview at all. What a pity. Tying yourself to money is really tiring and sad and this game cannot continue. It will blow up at some point. And I hope this lady embraces herself and her real gift and does it in a way she enjoys.

I also watched the videos about a TicToc star – 17 year old – who does lip sync videos (Why should someone watch lip sync videos? ) and an interview with a lady who protests the right of abortion. She shared her pain of having let go of one of her children through abortion and she sees it as killing babies. The lives should be protected she says. One has a responsibility when one creates a life she says. Well I agree with the responsibility part but I cannot understand how one person can have a say in another person’s body. How many people choose to have unprotected sex just because they have the possibility to have abortion afterwards? I don’t think anybody chooses the path because it is available – it is always a last resort. And whatever it is it is the people’s choice that have the babies in their wombs. What the other people have a say about it? Other than offering emotional support and kindness?

After some rest it was the time for a phone call with the friend who had questions about setting her business. She was also curious about what I was doing and offered me to keep each other accountable, I said yes! We will talk when she is back.

I had promised Fabio for a coaching session because he was feeling he needed to take massive action but he couldn’t make a plan himself. I offered him to go out for the session – because previously I had seen him distract himself with the computer and phone when we were at home.  We went to the cafe of the supermarket where I had gone for my creative visualisation. The session was interesting, for me a bit challenging. I felt the need of guiding him, telling him to take action that brings a certain outcome. I realized the need and let go, but once or twice I also voiced it. Coaching your husband is really an interesting experience. I saw it as a way of loving him. It is challenging for me but (better and) am up for it. He wanted to set a plan for himself and he did. We will check in on Sunday to discuss about the plan and set new goals for the next time.

After our session was over I brought him to the shopping center where I wanted to work the previous day but I couldn’t due to the lack of battery. It was freezing outside. But inside was nice. He loved the place. He also found food he liked, I had a hearty noodle while reading an article of Seth Godin.  We left around 8 and came home.

I was tired and did not do much afterwards. Finally I managed to have a call with my parents. Everything was fine, they just did not hear my calls. I told them about my holidays, they told me about their trip to Yatagan and updates in the family. My mother was angry because my aunt and father were putting the bags she does on sale – she said this caused more people to want the bags as a gift for them! I said I could try to sell it here in Munich and see how it would work, she liked the idea. She said she missed me and she looked at the picture of me and Fabio from new year’s. (below). Awww. I don’t know when I will go to Turkey. I want to check for flights but I am also worried about all the strange arrests at the airport. (some people got arrested for their Facebook posts). I had posted nothing and this worry is not grounded I know. But yeah. 

Ok and here we come to the intention of the day. I SHOW UP! Ladies and gentlemen, this was my motto – you saw it in day 3. Today I have a speech at my Toastmasters Club and I did not yet prepare so I was thinking to skip but I will not because I show up and I use the occasion to be myself fully and invite others to be themselves two.

Second – I have emails that I did not yet respond. I do that today.

Third – I plan the Toastmasters meetings.

Fourth – I write the newsletter to our BeCoach Academy list, talk about what we are doing and invite people to the webinar .  I also talk with our graduates to plan our workshop in September and our video interviews.

Fifth – i post to the social media of BeCoach Academy.

(I also need to do a skype call for TPF)

Some other work I have in my mind which I will take note of – I need notebook for todos and ideas. I will start it today.

Have a great day! Looking forward to today and day 5!

About the author 

Isil Uysal Calvelli

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