September 10, 2019

I enjoy writing and when I start, I write and I write and I write. I don’t know how you can read it (if you read it all give/ write me a high five in the end). It is a cathartic experience for me but I want to share it with you too. To make it a bit easier, this time I added some subtitles.  So you can see what it is about. 

Today’s topics: How much is an Oktoberfest table worth, Observations, glass window and our lives, nature’s remedy, eye contact, looking at the mirror, not getting things done, a little victory, a weird side of me and things I discovered.  

How much is an oktoberfest table worth?

Our first task of the day was to get two Oktoberfest tables from Schuetzenzelt. I already got one from Augustiner tent for saturday when my friend Marco was here, now I wanted one on Sunday for him and one for our Toastmasters community. As they give one table per one resident, Fabio was coming with me.

We had prepared everything, filled out our forms, got our 10 euros ready, left home at 7:30 to be there at 8 because the give-away would start at 9. 

I arrived there and saw people waiting in a crowd, not in a proper queue. I heard over a conversation: “No, it is over. We were here at 8, people had come at 7 already, they gave us all the waiting numbers, now they will call us in and give us the tables. All tables are already gone.”. I got a little annoyed but was not going to give up with some talk I overheard. I went in and saw two people working in the company, I asked them what was going on. They confirmed that the tickets were gone. I said you were supposed to start at 9 am this morning, he said people queued the night before starting from 7pm and they got the waiting numbers. People slept outside in a cold rainy night to get an Oktoberfest table! If they wanted it that much they should be the ones that have it. For me it was definitely not my sleep worth.

Observations, Glass window and Our lives

Fabio arrived with his bike and we went for a coffee before he left for work. 

I wanted a warm Turkish tea and we walked to the Turkish bakery nearby. While we were sitting and enjoying our warm drinks I felt the joy of sitting and observing. I love observing. There is so much variety in the world, so much to see, to understand, to discuss, to share.

Fabio said you should write these observations. I said I am writing!

Suddenly we heard a knock on our right side and it was a bird hitting the glass shop window from inside the bakery. It was trying to get out but hitting the glass window. It hit the window, fell on the floor, started eating the crumbles (why waste time worrying if you can enjoy the moment), then flew again, bumped his head one more time, fell down, ate some more, flew again for another hit. But this time the owner of the bakery had arrived and was trying to catch the bird to release it outside. The bird escaped from the man, hit its head again but not being able to go back on the floor (the man was there), it flew in the other direction and found the exit. It flew away and settled on the top of a container just in front of the bakery.

I applauded this scene with passion. It was a battle won! Well done bird, well done the bakery man!

I thought about the knowledge about the glass window. We knew that it was a hard material that separated the two spaces but the bird did not. The bird was seeing outside clearly and was not aware of the separation. It tried to fly through it. Not once, not twice, but three times. It did not learn.

And what a comfort we had having our glass windows. We were warm, comfortable, secure being in a closed place but still had the freedom and power of seeing what was going on outside. What an innovation! 

Isn’t it the same with our bodies and our psyche though? We see the outside world crystal clear but our inner world is totally under our control, we can sit with ourselves comfortably in freedom, in control. What a privilege! But few of us get to benefit from this privilege because we did not learn it. Our glass windows are shut open and closed with the winds outside and we run around trying to find a place without the wind and the noise.  We all can instead rest in our living rooms seeing the world outside and open the glass door, go outside and be there trusting, powerful, tall rather than hiding in. 

Just a couple of minutes after the bird got its victory, a garbage truck approached and two guys helped the truck park in a little space left from the roadworks. They were from one of the restaurants nearby and they wanted to throw the garbage which they packed in a squared form and kept on a paddle on a tiny forklift. The truck parked, the driver came out and assisted the guys. One guy of the restaurant managed the tiny forklift and lifted up the squared rubbish. The truck had an opening with a plastic curtain and this was the level the rubbish had to arrive. They managed to lift it to that level but it just didn’t fall off the forklift, it should be tilted probably. They tried a few times in vain. Then the other guy of the restaurant had an idea, to put a garbage container in the forklift and put the squared rubbish on top of it and lift them together, they held the container because they wanted just the squared rubbish to fall. That gave the required height and inclination and the squared rubbish passed through the curtains of the opening and disappeared in the dark depths of the garbage track. Yay! Another celebration was in order, I clapped in awe.

Nature's remedy

As I still felt sick, I wanted to treat myself well with good old medicine: fruits and vegetables. I remembered that we had a smoothie maker at home and bought fresh mint, lemon, lime, baby spinach, orange, carrots, ginger, apple and peach for sweetening and beetroot. I was happy that I remembered that and I was thankful for the nature’s remedy for being sick.


In the Ubahn I did not take my phone in my hand and instead have connections with people and the space I was in. I had eye contacts with a few people and I wished them the best from my heart and smiled at them. One lady frowned at me like WTF, another lady gave me a big warm smile back. I felt very happy.


When I was riding the Ubahn in the morning I was feeling quite sick and wanted to check on myself. I saw myself in the photo and felt compassion for myself.

Taking this photo reminded me of the mirror I had in my bag which I never used. I bought this mirror after I had read the book of Thich Nhat Hanh about Anger. Book suggested to look at our face when we are angry, to see that we are ugly, we are not our natural selves when we are angry. That facing this image of us would remind us that it is not us. I think it is true for all the emotions. We are not our emotions. We are the vast sky and the emotions are clouds that are floating, which sometimes covers our blue sky but the vast blue sky is always there and it is who we truly are. I want to remember to look at this mirror when I feel clouds cover the sky.


I was feeling low on the motivation side lately. Some of it was probably due to the sickness but I think some of it is also because of my thought of being a single entity: being independent. I had my own thoughts, my own goals and that was it. But I actually had people who believed in me, who were following me, supported me, who found support in me, who found inspiration in me. I wasn’t a single entity, I was part of a community. I kept on forgetting.


I had a long list of things I wanted to focus on: 1. BeCoach Academy: our course is about to begin – in October. We love our program, we love our community, we want more students to benefit from it and we also want to live on our academy. I know the Academy can also employer of beautiful people in the future who are aligned with our values and who love our community. 2nd priority was my online course which was still waiting for a name, two more chapters should be written and I need to prepare the assignments. Third priority was my podcast. I was falling behind the program at The Podcasting Fellowship. I wanted to pick up from where I left, I know I would. I also wanted to send official invitations to the people who approved to have an interview with me. And then I had some must – do operational work like paying bills, logging into online bank accounts for doing this new security setting and some communications for the Toastmasters community. I had all these things to do but I ended up doing the first thing and the must things. I worked 8 hours for the BeCoach Academy. I scheduled the events, sent the emails, set up a Facebook campaign, wrote a blog post, prepared social media communication. It took me all this time. And that was okay because I knew it was my priority and I gave myself the joy of exertion, being focused on one thing and being on it fully. I enjoyed it very much. 


I had one personal victory. I was supposed to inform our Toastmasters club about the availability of a speaking slot. What I could do, and did many times before was writing an email titled “Speaking slot free” and then ask people to take it and it would be given to the first one who requested. But then I thought why should I write a mainstream text whereas I could write something that could put a smile on people’s face, something funny, something quirky. And so I did. But then I felt sceptical about it. What would people think about what I wrote? Was it stupid? Would I be wasting people’s times by writing this text, should I directly say what I needed to say? Fear creeped in, self doubt creeped in. I was about to delete and write a new simple text then I paused and I said I will do it, I will do it and see. Not doing it will make me wonder how would it be if I did, it will make me stay small, fear the consequences, keep my daring muscle weak. And what I was daring was to make people’s day more vibrant and call them to play, to think and write differently. Everybody could win when things went right. In the other case everything went on as it is. So I dared and I sent. I am happy that I did it, a small step for the world and maybe a small step for myself but a significant one!


An interesting face-off occurred again yesterday. I confronted that side of myself which was envious. I read a post of someone in my friends circle comment under my friend’s photo about how she was the greatest person she knew. And immediately I felt cold fluids running from my throat to my stomach. My muscles contracted. I wanted to be the one that was liked and appreciated. I felt left outside, unseen, unloved. I recognized that, how it felt. And said “That’s interesting.” and that’s actually cute. It was’t even about the two ladies. I love that they love each other so much. I did not want the love of this person. I loved the person who was loved very much and happy for her. It was not about them. It was this automatic feeling of being left outside and alone that arose. I knew that feeling. I remembered many occasions where this feeling arose and I think the first time I had this feeling was when I was a child. I felt alone with my feelings, nobody understood me, my parents had their own conversation and I was left out. I had no one else. That is cute. Sweet child, now you are not alone I thought. The feeling slowly diluted. 


I discovered strange music yesterday one after the other thanks to YouTube comments. First I watched the video of Amanda Palmer singing Hallelujah for her dear friend Anthony ( , she wore a strange belt and I learned that it had the face of Klaus Nomi on it, I got curious about him and found out that he is a punk opera – singer with weird make up, hair and costume ( and from the comments under this page I got to learn about Nina Hagen – who I found fascinating. Listen to this voice, feel this passion and craziness and creativity. She inspired me! I end up with her song and wish us all the courage to try out different ways of doing what we do and enjoying the craziness!

About the author 

Isil Uysal Calvelli

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