What is an emotional state that feels like home? That you know how it feels. you’ve experienced it quite often and always go back to? That for me is sadness. The last two day’s experience reminded me of this again.
I think I even enjoy it, there is familiarity there. I know it from my family, my culture, my youth (it was cool to be depressed). But it is not benefiting me or others when I stay there – or rather insist on staying there or create incidents that will cause me to feel that way. Oh no. It is okay to feel sad and it is good because it is the feeling of loss and it asks for your attention to care for yourself, to keep yourself healthy and safe. But sometimes there is no real loss, just a story. I don’t need to create stories to feel that. I know that about myself and by knowing that I don’t get sad about me getting sad. I don’t make it into a vicious cycle. I already feel better and there were a lot of moments during the day where I did not remember about sadness. That is the nice thing (sometimes bad thing) about feelings, they go away. So no need to worry about it.
I did something courageous today, I shared this blog with people. My first real blog was Personal Wonders and I had subscribers, I killed this blog last year and the last time I wrote something was 2016. I had not communicated anything to people since 2016. I wrote to them about what happened to me in between and told them about this new thing I am doing: sharing myself every day.
I informed them that I will be posting every day and sending them an email every day and that there would be no hard feelings if they unsubscribed. It felt scary to expose myself, to accept that I hadn’t written and to let them know about the new things I was doing. And I was also proud that I did it. (Here is my e.mail: https://mailchi.mp/e1d701868d58/personal-wonders-is-gone-now-it-is-more-personal)
I left for my appointment. I was going to meet a person I have never seen in my life. It was about a possible collaboration for my Munich website. I enjoyed the Ubahn ride, arrived to main station and to the meeting place surprisingly on time. I ordered myself a hummus and a beer and wrote an email to the guy to help him to notice me.
I looked around and saw a guy, non-german looking (the guy I was supposed to meet was American), he was looking towards the entrance, i thought maybe this is the guy, looking to understand which is me or when I am coming.
I approached him and asked “Are you waiting for someone?” He said “what? No. “. I said sorry I was going to meet someone I’ve never seen so maybe it was you, but thanks.” That felt much less weird than I thought. It felt weird that it did not feel weird.
My guy did not come, his emails did. My mail application did not work and I did not receive is event invitation and his asking for verification of our meeting, I received it just there. And then I also received the latest in the moment answer :”That he was sorry, and he got so many cancellations that he cancelled the Munich trip all together. OH-KAY. That was fine, I enjoyed my food, my beer, nice place and my book.
I have a thing for toys, I like animal shaped toys and things. And I love notebooks. If you’ll ever want to buy me a present, a notebook is always a great idea! Today I bought myself some and also a koala shaped tupperware. I love them.
The day “ended” in the gym as I was exhausted after it. We came home and had dinner. I over-ate. If I had taken some pauses while eating i am sure I would stop but I watched the comedy series while I was eating – I know, not good.
With the tiredness, with the heaviness of the food, I just rested till I felt sleepy and called it a day.