I woke up, I had not one but two nightmares the night before. One was learning that my father had an amputation. I was visiting them and they did not tell me, I saw it myself as coincidence. The second one was about Fabio taking me to see apartments to rent and I was furious that he forced me into this and he was furious because I did not appreciate his efforts. I woke up in a bad mood.
I am cultivating the discipline of meditating in the morning and so I did again right after I woke up. It gave me the space to be with myself and let the clouds in my mind flow. I felt the physical representation of my pain, my upper arms were stiff, my stomach was cramped, my breathing was shallow.
Fabio woke up and we had exchanged a few sentences. When he asked me how i was I started crying. I said I am said. I said “I don’t feel understood.”
Now that I am thinking of it I see that the order of things were different. First we had the conversation, I cried and then I had the meditation.
I remember it now because I rushed out after the meditation to meet a friend for breakfast.
I realized I would be late and send her a message on Whatsapp while I was walking. She said “Thanks for the info.” Oh? No “no worries” or so? Did I make her angry? Was it careless of me to be late? I said “hello thoughts” and smiled at myself, we will see how it is when I see her.
There were no signs of anger or disappointment. In fact, we had a very open, deep conversation about the decision about having children, work, life and coaching. The time flew, she postponed her next appointment to which she would also probably be late.
Talking with her I did not feel my pain. I had lower energy than usual but I also felt more receiving, attentive and understanding than usual, this might be the gift of sadness?
In the rest of the day I didn’t know what to do with myself. I published the posts that I had written on a notepad, I read a bit but I had zero energy. I decided to go home and treat myself. And the first thing that comes to my mind to treat myself is food. And that is not always healthy.
I went to the supermarket and looked through the shelves. I passed by the sweet yoghurts, puddings, nutellas, chocolates and chips and did not buy any of those.
I wanted to have some spice so I bought a spicy dip and guacamole. And what should I eat them with? And here came the danger : I bought tortilla chips. I ate them all at home in two sittings. I watched a comedy series I loved and scrolled through the 9gag feed which made me laugh like crazy at times. (like this one here: https://9gag.com/gag/aBgr4QD?ref=fb.s&fbclid=IwAR0Zx4jlF8MShVqVDfZaBsO4FAfn5rLScptyKSA12jhumtf_L2av90LaV0w)
There was a beautiful surprise today. I was reading the “virtual signature line” on Amanda Palmer’s Patreon page after her concert in Amsterdam, I saw the comment of a name I knew. This was a friend from my mastermind group of Connect With Anyone course (CWA) from 3-4 years ago. What a lovely occasion – I don’t want to call it coincidence because it is not. It is a sign of being like minded. I loved that.
Yesterday I could understand the temporary nature of my mood and remembered that I had the inclination to be sad, that state is a state I know. My body knows how it feels. I know that it is temporary. What can make it worse is the story I make of it. In this state I can easily interpret reality in a distorted way and believe in this story. What helps is to be aware that I am about to write a story and see the reality instead of writing it, adding meaning to it, buying into it. And yesterday I did a great job of it.
Today I am feeling different. I am different. I have the wisdom of yesterday. I am looking forward to tomorrow.