September 5, 2019

Fuck it. I realised what I am missing here in this experiment is really you. The connection. I don’t do this just for me. I do it for you too. So that you see yourself through me. But now it feels alone.Because of my fear of not making it work. Not having it good enough. Not trusting it as it is. But it is exactly how I wanted it to be. I wanted it to be raw. Fuck it, I will share it with you as it is.

Yesterday I was not happy with myself. I had so many things to do but I felt I did just a little. I missed to create a social media post. I couldn’t schedule any of the podcast interviews. I assumed they were fix for the week but apparently the people i interviewed didn’t see it that way.

I got super happy with one thing though: getting a table for Oktoberfest. A friend is coming over for Oktoberfest and it is so much easier when you have a table but the reservations finish around March. So we had to just be there early and hope to get some seats. This was the plan. But i recently read that there is something called Muenchen Kontingent. The tents are reserving certain percentage of places for the residents of the city. Every tent has a different way of giving out the places and some of them had decided to do it on one day. And I said I will give it a try. So I went to the Augustiner to get a table.

On their website they said they would sell the tables between 10 and 15. I went there a around 9 to make sure I am on time and when I arrived there were already two floors of people queuing. I did not mind. I actually saw it as a great opportunity to be with myself, be in the moment, take a pause, take a breath, observe other people, have eye contacts, wish other people well.

I waited around half an hour maybe a bit more but I just got a few eye contacts because all the eyes were on the phones, you guys. Everybody was constantly, fully, completely focused on their phones. I could sense a lot of buzzing of ideas, energy, signals but they did not connect and harmonise, they all created a big cloud of confusion in each head.

I was one of three people who did not hold the phone on her hands. One was a lady with white hair in her 50s. One was a guy in his mid 30s and one was me.

After the first 15 minutes of wait, the queue started moving. People were coming down with their reservation confirmation in their hands. I wanted to congratulate them. I was trying to establish an eye contact to smile and congratulate them, nobody was looking up. I actually wanted to applaud everyone who was coming down. I imagined how great it would be if we started applauding everyone who managed to get a table. It would be fantastic, it would give us all so much energy! But I couldn’t. I got scared I guess, scared of being stupid. What a missed opportunity.

When I took my reservation and went down the stairs, one girl in the queue said to me “here is a happy face” I smiled and said yes. And I said all the luck to you! Somebody did it, somebody connected, well done.

Yesterday I finally finished watching the interview of Amanda Palmer. And then I listened some of the interview of her with Tim Ferris. I really love the realness of this woman.

I sat down and wrote thanks on twitter to for letting us know about the Munchen Kontingent, and to the guy who interviewed Amanda. They made a change in my life.

I caught up with some emails, I organised some of the speeches in the toastmasters clubs, I talked with my parents and talked with a social enterprise about a collaboration.

My parents asked me if the money was tight. i said yes. But it is good so. It means I have to learn something about money and I am learning it at the moment. My father found it crazy, it had to be fixed immediately. I told him about how quick fixes miss the point, the point of what is important and needed. And I also told them about the pain of feeling separated, the pain of realising that the first automatic reaction about somebodies success is a little fear of my possible failure. They said I am not alone, all of us are this way. I said, no, it is not how we are, it is how we learned to behave. I have practiced the values long enough that were not belonging to me and gave me suffering, now I am unlearning and learning new ways of feeling and doing. Sharing who I am, asking for help knowing that me getting better at something, me fixing myself means I will be able to give more, I will be sharing more,helping some one else. It is true for others. When they get better, they get happy, they get successful, they can also help me be better. Even if they don’t do anything, by being in the energy level they are, they influence my energy level. We are connected. And I want to train that muscle.

I made myself a pasta and poured a glass of wine. And that was a bad decision. Wine made me sleepy, gave headache, took my energy. I could not create anything anymore. I just watched some videos, talked to Fabio, played with the cats and had an early sleep.

I want my energy. Sorry wine, next time I will choose water and my energy over you.

About the author 

Isil Uysal Calvelli

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