September 5, 2019

I realised that I needed a change of space for my thoughts to change so I decided to go to the coworking space.

I wanted to give myself the gift of walking. I got off the Ubahn in Hauptbahnhof and walked to the coworking space for 50 minutes. I loved the serenity of walking, the fresh air, feeling my body moving, seeing other people doing their own thing, living their lives.

On my way I saw a girl who I met a week ago at the dinner with Fabio’s colleagues. I said Hi, she stopped and we kissed. Then she said I don’t recognise you. I told her who I was she said I looked different then, it was nice to see me. She asked me where I was going, I asked her how she was (she had crutches when we first met and today again) and then we went our ways.

When I arrived at the place my internet did not work but that was okay. I wanted to do a brain dump first.

I started writing but it was shit. I got stuck. I got disappointed. I forced myself. There was no point. I gave a break. I wrote a few emails and then went for lunch.

I tried a pizzeria nearby and ordered myself a pizza with aubergine. I read Amanda Palmer’s book while eating. The food was okay but the book was great.

Then I went back. I watched the online course creation course I had to stop due to a failed pilot project. The suggestions were to write first the outline, then lesson names and then write the lessons. And when I did that it felt easier to write. I started writing what I knew and easily I wrote 3 chapters of 5. It started rough, but then I let myself be and I found funny ways of saying it, I wrote as if I was speaking with the audience,I told my own stories and it felt so good. I now had a few things I would look up to but I could do that another day. it took me 3 pomodoros to do this work. But to come to this level took me 2 hours (8 pomodoros). I left the coworking space at 6 and wanted to walk back to hauptbahnhof.

funny surprise on my way

It was again a very pleasant walk. When I was approaching Hauptbahnhof one guy crossing by made a well done sign (thumbs up) said said “Tolle beine” (nice legs). I usually feel uncomfortable in these situations but this time it felt funny. Because it did not feel that the guy had an interest in me, it felt like he was congratulating me for my work, like well done, you did a good job with those legs.

While I was getting on the Ubahn I noticed a lady that I knew, she attended one of our meetings at Isar- Speak (one of my Toastmasters Clubs). We had an eye contact exercise with her. I saw her on the platform from very far and thought she would sit somewhere far, I didn’t want to wave or shout. But she sat right in front of me! I looked right into her eyes but she did not show any sign of knowing me I told her. She said she did not recognise me. She told me she actually thought about me, the exercise was very powerful. We chatted about her Toastmasters journey and my clubs, she told me she wants to join an english speaking club but when her english is better.

We both got off at the same stop (the last one) and preferred taking the escalators. She said she was lazy, I said rightfully so, we are a species that wants to conserve energy, we would use this energy in something that mattered. She said she wasn’t fit, I said she looked fit, especially the way she dressed. She said she gave this impression but actually her knees were bad., she should do more exercise. We said bye, she got on her bike and I kept on walking.

I came home and told my stories to Fabio.

I told about the two ladies who both did not recognise me, I told about how I progressed in my online course, I told about the “tolle beine” (he didn’t like it). I also told him about the two times I felt bad during the day.
The first one was in the morning when I received an email from one of our members who said he was surprised that he was not speaking in the next meeting. It felt like I got a punch in my stomach. I felt immediately said. I felt like I messed up, I disappointed him. The second time was when I got a reminder from one experienced member to remind our treasurer to send the members an email to remind them of their club dues. I had done it a couple of times, and the last time I got an answer saying no stress, it is not that serious. I got the feeling that he knew what he was doing. And I actually knew he knew what he was doing. He was a great person (he is), he had this role for some years, he had served as president and cared about the club. But on the other hand if something went wrong I was responsible. If it was me i would have sent the email long time ago. But I couldn’t . Because it was not my role. But I would be responsible of the consequences. I could not really control what was happening at the moment. I had to trust. And I did but also I did not fully. And the fact that I did not fully trust made me sad. What was this space between full trust and what I was experiencing? How could I close the gap?

I was telling Fabio about it and he told me he sent the mail. I opened my phone and saw it. He did. And he did it with style. In his style. In his wonderful style. His funny, quirky, creative style. That of course need the time. I got it. I was thankful that he did it that way.

About the author 

Isil Uysal Calvelli

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